February 1st

First, let's get business out of the way. Last Saturday, the 29th I was preparing to get on the train to Wheaton to photograph a train exhibit at Sara's museum. I had just gotten out of the shower, put on my boxers and started to taste something from the past and see images from far-off memories playing in the back of my head. I knew what was coming but my VNS magnet was in the living room. So, here I am running through the house half naked looking for the magnet; I found it next to the couch (of course) and swiped it across my chest. I sat on the couch with my back straight waiting for the seizure to end. I was looking at my numb right hand while moving my fingers; what an awful and amazing feeling.

After the seizure I took an Ativan, a strong drug to stop anymore seizures from coming; a sedative. Frankly, it made me feel really good; I guess I was stressed about the photo assignment and my brain just couldn't handle it. The train ride was very relaxing; I even made a friend. A pierced girl and I were both laughing at a lady singing show tunes and snapping her fingers while we were waiting at the station.

Despite the seizure, Saturday was a good day... fun.

It's hard to explain how the last few days have been. There are just too many details, so they really can't be put into words. I've only spoken in short sentences, not paragraphs; enough to interact so as not to seem like I'm blowing anyone off or anything like that.

Last night in bed the street light was reflecting off the snow and illuminating our bedroom. I laid on my back and looked at the pattern of light on the ceiling while working out what I was going to write today.

It's horrible, but there are streaks of days that wish to god that I would have a seizure; a seizure so serious that it numbs my brain. A seizure that serious makes it hard to communicate. I want to see words and not understand them; I want to see faces and not recognize them. Sometimes I just want to be deprived of feeling, you know.

I write this now but if that day ever comes it'll damn me. Even right now I'm so sorry for writing it.