Less than a Man

On Wednesday I had another seizure while I was sleeping. Sara let me sleep afterward and didn't wake me up for awhile so when she finally did I could talk and understand what she was telling me. I never believe I had a seizure at first, it's odd, like she's lying to me or just being overprotective.

Thursday was a day full of the small seizures that happen when I'm awake. The voices in the back of my head, the numbing of the right side of my body, staring spells. These happened at various strengths all day. (Simple-partial seizures)

Now I'm going to say this. They've been moving around my medicine a lot lately. Taking me off one med completely, lowering another and steadily raising Vimpat (the new miracle drug). Plus I'm on a mild sleeping pill and another to combat the depressive side-effects. A lot of medicine and chemistry to be fooling with for anyone's body to take. (Or am I just justifying what I'll tell you next).

Last night I lost bladder control. It wasn't a huge amount so I could take care of everything rather quick, but I didn't sleep a wink after that. I wish I could say this was the first time that this has happened but sadly I've had this happen once more before I started this blog. It's another emasculating hit. My head hangs low today.

Knock on Wood Never Works

My last post had me knocking on wood that I'd be seizure free on this new medicine. Well I had a small one while I was sleeping last night. Very mild because I could talk and understand what Sara was explaining to me when she told me I had a seizure.

I upped the dose on the new medicine and got rid of the medicine that gives me kidney stones entirely. That may help (but I'm not knocking on wood).

Be Positive

I thought I would take today's entry to be positive. I haven't had any problems since being on this new medicine (a big knock on wood) and there have been no real side effects. I mean that in the way of dizziness all the way to serious depression.

I have a doctors appointment on the 12th of July and hopefully I haven't had any problems because I'm going to take that time to finally ask him if I can drive. It's been so hard having Sara cart me around. Even if I get to drive just to work it would be a real boost to my ego. The freedom of just being able to drive is something people take for granted. If I look for a new job it has to be on the train line or within Sara's route... that kind of thing. It really puts a damper on my possibilities.

I know this blog can be drab and depressing most of the time but it's a place for me to release. The problem with us is we get no news... not bad or good... none. The doctors are still working out what's happening in my head and mixing the right chemicals to combat the disorder. It's frustrating and it seems for every one step forward we take two steps back, a cliché I know. It's tough to be positive when it seems like you have nothing going your way. My brain, driving, job, money, city. I'm getting married, that's a big positive. It's added stress but it's not the day that matters, it's vow I'll make to Sara that no matter how broken I may be, I'll love her. It's her vow that she'll be with me, by my side, in sickness and in health.