For the last couple of days my mind has been completely empty. It's like a pendulum has swung from a point where I do nothing all day but dwell on the present, past, and future. Each end of the pendulum is equally devastating; for the last couple of days I've felt a tremendous need to write but nothing was coming to mind. There is so much going on around me, but there was very little connection from one thought to another; even right now I'm tip-toeing around the keyboard, typing and deleting, trying to find that one perfect voice with which to speak.
I've had a short spell of seizures since my last post and since then my mood has changed. With the help of my therapist, we've come to the determination that my mind-set can be a sometimes sever side effect of a seizure. We all know that medication has been a problem in the past and we've come to a okay balance between the VNS and medication but it'll never be perfect.
My therapy sessions have been up and down since the beginning, but she had never seen a small "problem," as I call them, until last week. While talking to her I always stare at a photo of the ocean she has hanging behind her chair. I noticed the ocean moving and the euphoria feeling (aura) surrounded me but it passed before I had time to pull out my magnet to activate the VNS device. Afterwards I felt embarrassed and, to tell you the truth, I'm still not ready to see her again tomorrow. Seizures feel like a sign of weakness to me for some reason.
The next 24 hours will be like a diver, taking heavy breaths before dipping his head below the water.