I Have Seen Things You Will Never See

An open letter to Jeremy Smith circa 2008,

I have seen things you will never see. I've seen my neck cut open, my shoulder bleed profusely down my back to the floor from opened stitches, I've seen a Christmas gift used as a weapon against myself, I've seen psychedelic aura's warn me of a seizure, usually these types of seizures are strong, debilitating and emotional. I've seen a depression so deep that blank walls seemed like works of art that I could stare at for hours; and I used long hours of sleep as a remedy.

You took your twenties for granted; you thought you were invincible and time was going to be good to you. You were healthy, happy, strong and successful in your business. 

There's nothing saying that I will never be reunited with you, but just know that when we finally meet again, I expect you to be humble and respectful of the new life that has been set before you. 

I know you can learn as much from me as I can relearn from you.

Jeremy Smith, 2013.

Stimulation and Epilepsy

I've been thinking about this post for a while and I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the subject of over vs. under stimulation in regards to my struggle with Epilepsy.

Over stimulation is exactly how it sounds; watching the news, too much TV, a very intense book, a crowded restaurant, meeting several new people all at one time... the list can go on. Under stimulation can be the exact opposite from the situations I just listed or they can be from the same list only repeated over and over to the point that they become somewhat of a routine and boring.

With me, over stimulation can lead to seizures, anxiety, and in the past, violent behavior could've made the list (although I have to admit that I still do have these feelings but I am much better at diffusing this sort of energy.)

Under stimulation on the other hand leads to depression, which in turn, can also lead to anxiety and, yes, seizures. I can stare at a wall for 20 minutes before realizing where I am and what I was doing. I'm lethargic, and passive.

My goal as a Epilepsy patient is to find a healthy balance, but with the constant storm of emotion lingering over me, different mixes of medications and treatments, it's very difficult not to sway in one direction or another.

I've been writing more, riding my bike on the trail next to our apartment, and helping Sara at her museum every once and a while, but that still leaves a big chunk of time where I'm sitting, just breathing and letting my mind wander aimlessly.