When I was in high school I was going through a rough period, which many of us do at that age. I had dim lights in my room and I would play the alternative rock music of the time and lay on my bed, not wanting to see the outside world. I just wanted to be left alone. Some days were so tough that I would sit in my dark closet while the music was playing, sometimes until I fell asleep. It wasn't until I started really getting into art (which I would later pursue in college as a profession) that the depression finally lifted. But there were days that hit me later on in my college years that mirrored those days when I was locked in my closet, but the difference then is I had found ways to avoid it from taking ahold of me like it did then.
After college, I didn't see this depression again until my late twenties when I first developed epilepsy. From that day forward the depression grew and grew. Obviously medication for epilepsy doesn't help, but having your life ripped from you by this awful disorder is and has been devastating.
I've been put on meds for anxiety, etc to counteract some of the side effects of the many, many drug cocktails that I've tried over the years but I've never been put on a solid antidepressant. This is mostly because I only just recently agreed to finally see a psychiatrist for my mood disorder. He put me on an anti-anxiety med that I seem to be tolerating well with the new mix of epilepsy drugs that I'm taking, but the depression and severe lack of motivation has never really been addressed. Until now.
I now have a clinical depression. One where I can't find, though I've tried desperately, that outlet to kick the depression. Today I finally agreed or rather insisted that I be put on an antidepressant. I won't start taking it until after my shoulder surgery next week in case I have a negative reaction to it (I don't want any complications on the operating table), but I must say that I have never been so excited about starting a new medication.
The drug is called Lexapro. I've done my homework on its side effects, which seem to be minimal, but I won't know for sure how it'll react to my epilepsy meds until, like I said, after my surgery.
Maybe now, once taking it, I will find a way to live my life again as it was meant to be lived. Not in a chair, wallowing away at how horrible my life has turned out because of epilepsy, but rather refreshed and ready to take on the newest chapter in my life.