Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Wall

I took an inventory of the medications that I'm putting into my body and we're at nine; not including the steroid treatments on Mondays. With all of these chemicals floating around, I've obviously been experiencing a wide variety of side effects. On Monday I finally hit the "wall."

On Monday night, after I wrote my last post I had a very strong seizure. This one was especially unsetting because, while I was unconscious, I was walking around my bedroom, I approached our windows and called Sara who was in the next room with her aunt. I left a rambling message about the street and then my voice stuttered until I hung up.

I don't know what to say about this but I know I have to share because I'm genuinely afraid of where things seem to be going. Standing next to windows while having a seizure? How can this get any more disturbing?

Monday, March 18, 2013

Sleep and Mania

I've been trying to utilize this blog more and more because I believe it's a good outlet for me to document and organize my thoughts, but also to communicate to interested parties that I wouldn't normally have the strength to talk to on a one-on-one basis. I have a therapist and our sessions are very tough for me to get through, so I can't imagine talking to family in-person about these issues.

An update:

Today I had my fifth week of steroid treatments. Everything went completely as planned, which is a very odd feeling in my world. The interesting thing about these treatments is the paradox between sleep and mania. For about 17 hours a day I'm completely exhausted but my brain is moving a mile a minute and I cannot relax.

An example would be my renewed interest in music. I sit in front of my newly acquired collection of cassette tapes and I can't decide on what to listen to, and by the time I put in a cassette, I've already changed my mind. And if I do start listening to an album, I'm 75% asleep while it's playing. Then there's the perfect six hours a day where everything is perfect. Sara's home, we're cooking dinner or watching a movie. I'm awake, alert but totally relaxed. I mentioned this to Sara yesterday, "I wish I could feel how I'm feeling right now... all the time."

To be honest, the time I spend writing falls in this six hour window when everything is just perfect.