I've been trying to utilize this blog more and more because I believe it's a good outlet for me to document and organize my thoughts, but also to communicate to interested parties that I wouldn't normally have the strength to talk to on a one-on-one basis. I have a therapist and our sessions are very tough for me to get through, so I can't imagine talking to family in-person about these issues.
Today I had my fifth week of steroid treatments. Everything went completely as planned, which is a very odd feeling in my world. The interesting thing about these treatments is the paradox between sleep and mania. For about 17 hours a day I'm completely exhausted but my brain is moving a mile a minute and I cannot relax.
An example would be my renewed interest in music. I sit in front of my newly acquired collection of cassette tapes and I can't decide on what to listen to, and by the time I put in a cassette, I've already changed my mind. And if I do start listening to an album, I'm 75% asleep while it's playing. Then there's the perfect six hours a day where everything is perfect. Sara's home, we're cooking dinner or watching a movie. I'm awake, alert but totally relaxed. I mentioned this to Sara yesterday, "I wish I could feel how I'm feeling right now... all the time."
To be honest, the time I spend writing falls in this six hour window when everything is just perfect.