Well, I can be proud that this is the first Christmas in two years that I haven't had a seizure. I shouldn't jinx it because I haven't celebrated with my side of the family yet! Every other year I would wake up to Sara over me, asking me questions and breaking the news that I just had a seizure. I've noticed, or rather came to the conclusion that the seizures are stress induced. Sometimes being away from home and having so many people to visit builds stress and well, is obviously hard on my brain. Not just my brain I can assure you. We all have our reasons for being stressed out on holidays.
This Christmas was different. We stayed in the same bed and breakfast as last year (it's our hotel of choice while in Milwaukee). We use the hotel as a "home base" where we can escape once our visiting comes to an end. We can have a few drinks at the bar downstairs, then go to our room to put on our pajamas and watch "24 hours of A Christmas Story" on TBS. I felt ok but I had absolutely no energy, kind of grumpy to be honest. I fell asleep and didn't dream.
The next day, during Christmas my heart was pounding so hard I could feel the blood flowing through my veins. I thought it was just the VNS, but it was constant... just like pure concentrated stress. There was really nothing to be stressed about, just a lot of people in one warm house with too much movement and fluorescent light. Once outside, the cold, soft air hit me and I was never so happy to see my breath steam from my lungs.
Nothing was open so dinner was hard to find. We ended up finding a Chinese restaurant being open (funny). We ate and drank a little rum, thinking it would help us reset but all it did was knock me out... another night without dreaming.
Sunday was hell. You know the feeling when you're coming to the end of a vacation and you start to miss home? That's where I was. We had one more stop at Sara's uncle's house and again, my heart started pounding. I thought standing up, kind of out of the way would calm me down but I felt a little numbness in my right hand, so I swiped the magnate just in case it was a precursor to a seizure or a heart attack!
My boss, Joe said I'm a very anxious person when I skimmed the story to him. I agree that I brought most of these feeling on myself. All my medications are sedatives, basically. They're there to calm my brain so you'd think they'd be able to calm me. There's a lot to be anxious about, in my defense. At work we get reminded about how bad business is on a semi-daily basis. I think about how I'm going to make the next step while keeping my balance.
Balance. That word is kind of an answer to all of my questions. Growing up my Dad always told me that life is about balance. Too much of anything can be bad. It's hard to focus on these words when my will to balance is nonexistent. I started drinking, again. It feels good to really laugh and, this is going to sound funny, but after a few drinks I'm able to put things into perspective. I'll look away, down to the floor and almost pray. I'm unafraid.
On Sunday night I dreamt vividly. I wrote down what I thought after waking up. You may not understand these but this is what I wrote: "Respect photography, nurture writing," "There are many steps that have to be taken to reach goals, even if those goals haven't yet become clear," "Thank you for tomorrows," "Look close... closer... there's a lot of reality in dreams. Possess the ability to find a message, it's in there."
The one about goals is pretty confusing but I think it has a lot in common with my life in Chicago and what had to happen for me to get here. Things just fell into place, both good and bad. I'm trying to work with what I have and my goals are a reflection of this. For the rest of my life things will just fall into place and my goal is to be sure there's more good than bad.