Let me start by saying that I've had the best two weeks that I've had in a while – a long while, actually. By Friday night everything was just perfect; I was busy at work and feeling just great about how Sara's birthday turned out and remembering the snowstorm from the week before. Sadly, the bubble had to burst at some point. I won't detail any events but I will say (and I might've said this before) that there's always a lingering spot in my brain for awful, devastating thoughts and feelings. Every diagnosis from doctors, or anything that I'm beyond self-conscious about is thrown into this little box; add very strong neurological medications to the mix and they're compounded by massive percentages.
The "box" was opened temporarily... the bubble burst.
Over the last couple of years I've come to understand these feelings. When I think something abnormal I can tell that it's foreign and not really me. I've had an okay amount of strength; my temper has evened out and my emotions have been low, but not so low that I need professional help (in my opinion). A small amount of depression and inactivity comes with these meds and situation; I'm not making excuses but it is hard to drive myself and be productive. There's just not a lot of energy available.
The VNS was supposed to help dramatically. I think I might have been putting all my hope into this little machine. It does help with seizures, but they said it would improve mood and general quality of life. The last couple of weeks might've been it's powers creeping in, but so far I've been in the same slump that I've been in for months.
Interestingly, when I'm forced to open myself – or – the "box" up and all the horrible, negative, lonely, lost, devastating, feelings are released... there's this time, like now, where my mind is in neutral. I feel really positive, not guarded and I'm willing to be myself and have a deep conversation without fear of the "box" flying open, again.
I told Sara that we need to talk every week about ourselves and where we're at – not work related, just us on a personal level. We need to communicate. I keep 99% of my feelings away from her because I don't want her to think I'm sick or disturbed, but when she finally sees them it can be a shock. Frankly, she's probably offended that I'm not opening myself up to the strongest and closest person I have in my life.
Monday, February 14, 2011
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