Friday, August 3, 2012


I killed a sparrow yesterday. I noticed, through my windshield, up ahead was a small bird in the road flapping it's wings while another bird was hovering nearby. I slowed down as to give it time to fly from the street, not thinking it could be injured. As I approached, I lost sight of it in front of me, but as I continued I looked in my rear view to be sure it got away. Instead I saw it still lying in the road only now it's wings had stopped flapping.

You see many animals along the road presumably hit by passing cars, but I cannot remember in all my time behind the wheel having this happen to me.

Later that day, while I was at the office of my new freelance job I had a particularly long seizure. I didn't lose consciousness; I thank my VNS for doing it's job. I left early amongst the piles of work that needed to be done.

In the last three weeks I've had over twelve seizures ranging from small (5-10 seconds) to rather lengthy (10-30 seconds). They all are followed by a postictal period (seizure hangover); depending on the intensity of the seizure, some are painful and some are more tolerable, but they all are incapacitating in one way or another. My concentration, speech and memory are all effected.

I started a new business for my freelance work; the business name is basically a no-brainer for me... Smith J. Ryan Creative. See, all my life I've had to fight for my name. I've been pulled into the principle's office and scolded until a secretary barged in to tell him that he's got the wrong Jeremy Smith; I got a free pencil out of that ordeal. I had the "bad" Jeremy Smith's grades sent to my house and shared a locker with him because the school's office still couldn't figure out that there were two students with the same name in the school.


Next Monday I have another EEG scheduled due to the amount of activity I've been experiencing. When I had my interview for the new freelance position I thought I could schedule my first day after the tests so I could get some information and maybe have time to "even out." The company is very busy and needed me right away but I've only been able to help them a minimal amount; frustrating for them I'm sure.

I go back to this subject a lot, but I can't help but have extreme empathy for those with mental disorders, especially those that seem healthy on the outside, to strangers, co-workers, friends, but need special accommodations to live their daily lives. See, it's easy to spot a physical disability (by no means am I saying it's easier to live) but when you tell someone that you have Epilepsy they're nervous around you at first but if they don't see a seizure and they see what looks like a healthy individual, it's hard to tell someone that when you're having a problem you won't be at work, or you can make it to an event... the list goes on.

It's like every year gets harder. We have no money and it's straining our household. I'm trying to apply for disability next week; my phone interview is an hour before I am to be admitted to the hospital which is kind of odd. I'm just very nervous and alone; I get advice but it's all very generic at this point.

My hands are tied and I feel like the sparrow who's flapping his wings but unable to fly away to safety.

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