Monday, June 23, 2014

Feeling the Time Between

For those suffering with Epilepsy, the time between seizures is called the Interictal state. So, basically, it goes, Aura, Seizure, Postictal state, then back to the Interictal state. The process repeats over and over.

Some of you out there may not have known that there's a term for this, but the odd change in behavior or mood in-between seizures can be diagnosed as Interictal Psychosis.

I'll tell you that I have no medical background, I am actually trained in the visual arts, so I can't preach any sort of statistics or studies on the subject of Interictal Psychosis. I'm an Epilepsy patient, and I only know what I've experienced. I believe that, with a clear mind, my peers and I are the only ones who can really provide a semi-clear definition of this aspect of the Interictal state.

I experience, on average, three seizures a week. Some more, some less. Most of the time I will have none for many days and then several... I mean several all in a row. This is the known to me and my wife as the bad time.

After each seizure, during my Interictal state, I'm never sure which Jeremy I am. Sometimes my heart is filled with hate and frustration, sometimes crying uncontrollably, and other times I can't keep my eyes open for hours on end. During the times when I am another Jeremy, I cry out for another seizure to come. This is the only time that I can describe Epilepsy as painful. It hurts from my physical body all the way to the deepest parts of my heart.

When I'm another Jeremy, I know deep down that I'm someone else, but all I can do in scream while waiting for the next merciful seizure to find me. Sometime it's hours... sometimes in can be days of this hell.

When I'm finally knocked back into myself, I can communicate. This is usually the time when I can write for you, and speak clearly to my wife and therapist. But, I will say that both Sara, and my doctors can tell if I haven't quite made it out the psychosis, and back to the real Jeremy.

When I have a strong opinion as the real Jeremy, I have to look Sara right in the eyes and tell her that she's talking to "Me," and not some sort of skewed version of myself.


What's crazy about life is that while writing this, I just had a seizure. I can feel myself teetering on the brink of crying. I know that it's not over, but I'm still typing. How is this possible?!

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