Thursday, March 31, 2016

Going Mad

It's hard to stay sane sitting in this hospital bed. No matter how many times I put on a smile and appear to speak the truth about how I feel, I'm really having a hard time. 

I've said this before, but it's clear. All my current life I try to avoid seizures, but there's nothing I can do to cox the beast out of it's cave.

The last time I had an EEG, I didn't have a seizure for days... no matter how many triggers that I tried. Then I had a seizure in the car on the way home from the hospital. I'm envisioning that for this stay as well.

One good thing that has come out of this hell is that the doctors got to see a psychotic event. It could be from the medication, stress, damage to my brain, or a million other things. Thankfully it wasn't violent like they have been in the past, but I could see a red dot in the distance. This red dot was quickly making its way to the forefront of my vision, but I was too drugged to give the red I was seeing any power.

While writing this early in the morning, I'm looking at a Van Gogh painting on my iPad to relax me. It's the same painting that I had hanging in my room as a teenager... "Cafe Terrace at Night". It was, what I thought, a peek into my future. Sitting abroad at a small restaurant, drinking a cool drink on a warm, clear night while people passed all around me. It's working ok, calming me.

I'm also listening to the Foo Fighters. An unlikely source that calms me. Ever since Sara and I went to their concert at Wrigley Field last summer, I hear one of their songs, and I'm whisked back to that misty night. Beautiful, just like Sara, who wrote that wonderful experience into my life.

I'm going to read a little about Van Gogh now that I have his work in front of me... even if it's digital. Maybe that'll help me pass the time this early, sleep deprived morning.

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