Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What I Have

Last Friday, Saturday and Sunday I experienced six of the smaller "awake" seizures (the kind where I get really dizzy and start a dreaming feeling in the back of my brain). It's been very frustrating seeing as though I was put on this "miracle" drug called Vimpat that was supposed to level me out.

After calling the nurse they thought it was a good idea to put me on another drug called "Mephobarbital" (I think that's the spelling, I don't have it in front of me). Now I'm on five medications and I take them at four different periods of the day. My god.

I have a doctor appointment next Monday and I'm going to have questions about the amount, for sure, but also the reactions to all of these medications together. We all know that the medications I've been on in the past have swung me into deep depressions and violent outbursts. I'm not really willing to revisit these dark times.

The good thing is I'm feeling better emotionally. Even though I had the seizures last week, I also had a job interview which, even if I don't get the job, makes me feel proud of my work and gives me hope that people are noticing my talent. I know it's pretty lame to add quotes but I heard one lately that kind of got me thinking about my place and how I should live. "A man can not be made comfortable without his own approval" (Mark Twain). I think I need more self confidence. Whether it be about my body, where I live, my financial problems or what cards I've been dealt in life. I have to start thinking about what I have and not always focus on what I'm missing.

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