On

Well, I'm "on"

I had never been so nervous in my life. Well, maybe before the wedding, but a different kind of nervousness. I was sweating with a shaky voice before Dr. Macken came in. The nurse who took my vitals even mentioned my heart-rate which was sort of embarrassing.

Macken came in, checked out my scars (which was the first time an actual doctor has seen them) and started the steps to turn on the device. He gave me a wand that looked sort of like a big remote control and told me to find the device and place the wand over it. The wand was connected to a device with a screen that he used to control the milliamps I was receiving per "shock." I'm on .25 but I'll get up to about 3.0 apparently... upping the milliamps slightly per visit. I barely feel it right now, it just feels like a tug on the left side of my neck. I have a magnate that I can wave over the device if I'm having a seizure that ups the "shock" to .5 milliamps. This ampage makes me cough and my voice changes considerably, very hoarse. At the next appointment in two weeks the "shock" will be .5 so I'm supposed to use the magnate everyday to get used to the larger milliamp.

Sleeping was ok last night. Admittedly, I drank a little, though that's not recommended. It helped me forget the day and the appointments to come. I DO NOT recommend using alcohol for this purpose. It's a bad habit but I just couldn't help myself. Stupid.

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I'm writing for myself now.

I've been very depressed this last year and it's escalated each day, especially this past couple months. I've been doing things like drinking and eating horribly... I've gained about 15 pounds... clothes are starting to not fit, etc. It's really like I don't care. Every facet of life in Illinois and health have been deteriorating. Everyone has been telling me, "it could be a lot worse" or "think about what you have", I know these facts. It could be a lot worse, I know we're trying our best to make things better but my attitude and quality of life is at it's lowest. I know I'm an experiment and now every time the device turns on I'll be reminded of that fact. Thank god it's not cancer, thank god it's not my heart or kidney or liver. It's my brain and let me just say that the brain is the only organ that can play tricks on you. It makes you smile when you're not happy, it makes you cry when your not sad, it makes you lonely when you're surrounded by loved ones and it makes you wish for a disease where people could give you answers to your questions. I've had very dark times so far and I know what it feels like to think morbid thoughts. I know when they're medicine related... you feel out of control and say things you don't really mean... desperate, horrible things. I feel very much in control of my thoughts lately... so they're not 100% medicine related... (maybe amplified by a couple of percentage points).

I wait for the day to end while thinking of a way I can end it.