Well, the VNS works. I felt a seizure starting yesterday so I swiped the magnate over the device, it gave me an extra dose of electricity to the Vegus Nerve and on to my brain and it stopped the seizure. I'm pretty impressed. They're upping the amperage for the device next Monday and the magnate amperage will double as well. I'm very lucky to have found a way to feel a little bit of control over the seizures. I was skeptical and very very nervous to have it turned on at first, but now it's somewhat of a parlor trick. I was a hit at Thanksgiving with my family, they all wanted to hear what my voice sounded like when I used the magnate and doubled the dosage. Right now the dosage is so low that my voice doesn't change but as they add amperage I'll have a very hoarse voice with a rapid twitter, kind of like you would hear when a taser goes off... "tick, tick, tick, tick." This goes on for about 7 seconds right now but will end up being on for 30 seconds and off for 5 minutes, unless I use the magnate to manually turn on the device during a seizure.
What's funny is that in the instructions it says that I can manually turn off the device if I hold the magnate over my chest for more than a minute. They reference singing or giving a speech... I got a little laugh. It might be a while before I'm ready to show off my pipes.
All-in-all things could be better. I was reading a friends blog and she listed what she was thankful for and it really got me thinking. There are a lot of question marks in my life right now... health, work, family. I do have a lot to be thankful for but I just don't have the energy to list them like she did. What I think about now is if tomorrow I'll have my job or if I'll live in a different city... will I be at this hospital or this hospital and for what? Happy isn't in my vocabulary right now. I know I'm thankful but one can have the world and not be happy... and likewise someone can be happy and have nothing.
I was telling Sara that I have absolutely no energy. She suggested, and has been pushing exercise but I can adamantly tell you it's not stress. It's much deeper than just stress. Obviously, stress is a part of life and has been firmly gaining ground but... I'm reluctant to say it... there are morbid thoughts lurking. I know that this usually means there's a side-effect of the medication making it's way into my psyche. I've seen this pop up very strongly in the past and when this happens there has to be a change in my mix of medication. This time it's manageable but just managing the side-effect is a huge task. Managing takes energy, strength not to let it in and fool me into taking drastic measures. The ability to keep up the facade of someone that's not having problems to my family and co-workers takes energy. The kind of energy I'm talking about is perseverance... it's been two and a half years... the soles of my shoes are worn down and I'm tripping over myself.