The incisions are disgusting. They're red and swollen and because I can't really touch them, they still have the marker where the surgeons chose to cut. I can feel, very carefully, where there device sits and the wire running up my chest into the neck. It makes it's way over my collarbone so there's a bump... gross.
Laughing, coughing, swallowing has been difficult because I can feel the pressure on the incision, like it's going to open. The chest incision is on the left side of my chest near the armpit, pretty much where you would expect a breast implant would be inserted, so left arm movement is out of the question. Today it's better, but again, I can feel the stretching of the incision and the pressure/pain from the chest pocket they created for the device under the skin. Not complaining, just trying to explain the sensation.
I feel very grateful that I have someone like Sara to help me through all of this. Not just physical support, but for the emotional toll WE'VE taken, as well. I feel helpless at times. I get depressed very easily because I want to be a man, able to support her as a husband should be able to do, but couldn't even take a shower or put on underwear without her help the last couple of days (this happened when I had my shoulder surgery, as well). I feel so vulnerable sitting on the tub edge, bare naked, while she helps me wash my hair, underarms and chest... careful around the incisions. Then she supports me while I stand up to wash... well... below the waist. She sees me as I truly am... scarred on my neck, chest and back... pale, out of shape and shivering. I feel humiliated. She's my wife, but I have to admit to wondering why anyone would put themselves through this on a day-to-day basis. "In sickness and in health," I guess.
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