Like Gears in my Chest

Below is a post that I started writing on October 15th just before I agreed to go to the emergency room to seek help for the negative reaction to Felbatol (a seizure med I'm trying out).

"Like gears turning and grinding inside my chest.

That's how I've been describing what this new mix of medicine feels like at the current dose. The gears turn and I see in great detail the past violence in my life and I try to talk myself out of any future violence to my body. I just can't describe it beyond that. 

The gears are currently turning as I type and I'm now waiting for the Ativan to reach my blood and put me to sleep."

After that I went to our local ER, they shot me with a double-dose of Ativan, but it wasn't working. The doctors there decided that it would be best if I went to the Northwestern Memorial ER downtown because that's where both my Neurology doctors and Psychiatrist are located.

I was immediately whisked away to the "Crisis" area of the ER. Basically the part of the ER where  they put people who hear voices, or are otherwise completely crazy. Sorry to be so harsh, but it was my experience. We had a woman pacing while on her cellphone, talking about how the German mafia was after her, a man who apparently tried to jump off the Michigan Ave. bridge in Chicago, and a nice little asian girl that didn't want to take off her Ray-Ban sunglasses. God only knows what she was there for.

I was there because of a bad reaction to a seizure medication. Everyone knew that but I still had to be locked in with these types of scary people. I was there for 20 hours before my Neurologist swooped in at the last minute and the found a bed for me in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit instead of the Psych Ward. 

Once in my room, I had to have a "sitter" because the original reason I was there was because of psychological reasons. By the time I was upstairs, the effects of the medicine had subsided, and I just felt tired.

The first night in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit I had a seizure, but I wasn't scheduled to be hooked up to any machines until the next day. Of course, I didn't have any seizures while being monitored... seems to happen every time I'm there. There's just not a lot to stress about in the hospital room, so that usually equals no seizures.

Anyway, I was released on a lower dose of the medication that was making me feel "agitated," (to put it lightly). That night, on the way from home I had a seizure, and I've had four more since. It sounds bad, but I said it in the ER, I'd rather have a seizure than feel what I was feeling those days on the higher dose of Felbatol.

Two days after being released, I saw my psychiatrist and talk with him and made a plan. Then....... I tried to get in the car, I tripped and broke my ankle! 

One would think that I would be in bad spirits, but honestly being on a lower dose of Felbatol has increased my ability to stay positive.

Now I'm just hobbling around my apartment, but the most important part of my hobbling is that I'm doing it with a smile.