Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Rusty Gears

Every morning around 10am I get this funny tickle in my chest and stomach. I always describe it as rusty gears in my chest struggling to turn. This could be a couple obvious things. One could be that my body is craving medication, and this is usually the time when I take them. But the gears feeling sometimes comes without warning and not during the window of time where I'd be taking my meds.

This is not a conclusion, but one thing I always think about during this time is going to work. 

Nearly everyday I watch Sara get ready for work and we talk about whatever is on the news that morning... weather, traffic for her commute, or just headlines of the day. We used to do the same thing when I was still working, only I was obviously getting ready to go to work, too.

I usually try to relax myself as much as I can. I fill my head with positive thoughts by watching relaxing YouTube videos or playing records. TV sometimes helps, as well.

Could it be that these gears are my body telling me that it's not natural for me to be as complacent as I have been? Could watching Sara in her daily routine spark something inside of me that really wants to go with her; a feeling not too far from jealousy?

Whatever or wherever this feeling is coming from, it's been happening for years by my count. I usually just take my meds like always and slowly wait for it to pass. But I will admit that the passing of this feeling after I take my medication could just be me getting very tired from the meds, and the gears are just masked by tiredness.

Where ever these feelings come from, they are very annoying and some days strong enough to outlast any attempts to block it. Then what do I do? 

That's the big question for all of my doctors. That's really the only place where I can voice this problem and receive an answer. So far they haven't been good answers because despite trying to go on more medication, the gear keep spinning, and they will, I believe, until I find somewhere to put myself that isn't within these four walls.

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