Guilt

Lately I've been feeling this tremendous guilt feeling. It starts as a tickle in my chest, which I describe as rusty gears turning in my chest. After that I feel a wave of depression and what I can only describe as guilt... It seems to be the only adjective I can use to describe it to Sara and my doctors.

If I leave the feeling alone and just let it play out, it only gets stronger and stronger. Soon I find myself actively trying to find things in my life, even years ago, to feel guilty about. If I let it go far enough, it lands on August of 2008... The time when I had my first seizure.

I now notice this feeling right when it begins, and we've (Sara, my doctors and I) come to determine that my blood sugar is too low. Like I didn't eat enough when I take my meds.

So far, eating while taking an emergency medication meant to help me after a seizure kills the feeling right away. 

I'm writing this now mostly for myself because I'm the only one right now who can notice it starting to happen. It's only after Sara asks if I'm ok, or how I'm feeling do I divulge this information.

This is just another example of how strong these medications in my body can be. They trick me into thinking dark thoughts, like extreme guilt. 

Isn't there an epilepsy drug out there that can stop seizures while making me feel good inside? Instead, I have to take extra medications to bring me back to normal.

I was watching tv with Sara tonight. A very depressing documentary series, and now I'm wide awake thinking about it. I know I'll just lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours thinking and feeling too much to sleep. 

I took my evening meds, and just took an emergency med to help me relax and hopefully fall asleep comfortably and without my mind racing.

They're kicking in now. My body feels heavy and I'm starting to to feel very tired. This is a good thing. Hopefully someday I won't have to feel this way anymore, but for now I'm having to combat strong seizure meds with very strong psych drugs. It's something I wouldn't wish on on anyone because it's absolute hell.