Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Addiction
I've always said to myself that I never knew what addition felt like. I didn't understand how people couldn't stop smoking or drinking or shopping, etc. I'm making a sort of "life style change," and when I look back at how I lived (keep in mind it's only been a couple weeks), I realized that I have a sudo-addictive personality.
Of course, I'm on medication that would take some weening off if I didn't need it anymore, but now I'm looking at other aspects of my life and I've seen a lot of other trivial things that I am or would have a hard time quitting.
I use food, alcohol, sometimes pain medication and shopping to ease anxiety and depression. It's very hard for me to admit this, but I think it's time to explore this aspect of my personality.
By no means am I weighted down by addition but I definitely justify my actions. "I need a drink because I had a hard day," "Let's go out to eat tonight to celebrate," "I can't sleep, I'll just take a Vicodin."
Once I started to ween myself off of the excuses I've been making, I realized that it's so easy to say yes rather than no to my comforts. I'm just starting this process so I'll update this blog over time, but I am willing to admit that it's harder than I thought to find new, more healthy ways to keep my mind from thinking.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Routine
I've been surrounded by the word "Routine." While in Milwaukee for several weeks I learned that those around me were able to stick very closely to a schedule, sometimes very strict. After a week or so, my own routine was formed and I was able to abide by times, places, food, stress and relaxation. I made sure to wake up and get to bed alone without Sara's guidance (big step, actually).
After my "temp" stay in Milwaukee ended last week, it was a shock to my system or "routine." I've come to understand that, with Epilepsy, I have to ease into and out of things slowly as to not upset my body's equilibrium. When I returned home to await my temp-to-hire status, I again applied for unemployment and was, again, at home during the days. Basically, giving my body a shock from a very regimented schedule to a loose set of tasks that were set throughout the week.
I did visit friends and helped one of them move to a new place, but the stress level was low and I was doing far more physical activity than I would normally do in a week's time. This shocked my system and I've had three Aura's (a warning sign that I'm about to have a seizure) since I've been home. They were ALL controlled perfectly by my VNS implant, but I did have to take an emergency medication called Ativan, and lay down for an hour or so while the postictal (seizure hangover) subsided.
This is a small blow, but one I can handle. I started thinking about how others deal with a disrupted routine.
Imagine a man who walks his dog every night so he can have a cigarette to relax from the stress of the day, or a young woman who loves to wake up to jog while the morning air is still cool. If either of these routines are disrupted it could very well effect their mood, work performance, or overall sense of how they choose to use their time.
Even a routine of stress can cause a person to feel displaced if, all of the sudden, the stress is relieved for a period of time. There's a certain anxiety that comes with not knowing what kind of new stress is going to surface.
I guess that's where I am now; trying to bide my time while waiting for the next step to become clear.
After my "temp" stay in Milwaukee ended last week, it was a shock to my system or "routine." I've come to understand that, with Epilepsy, I have to ease into and out of things slowly as to not upset my body's equilibrium. When I returned home to await my temp-to-hire status, I again applied for unemployment and was, again, at home during the days. Basically, giving my body a shock from a very regimented schedule to a loose set of tasks that were set throughout the week.
I did visit friends and helped one of them move to a new place, but the stress level was low and I was doing far more physical activity than I would normally do in a week's time. This shocked my system and I've had three Aura's (a warning sign that I'm about to have a seizure) since I've been home. They were ALL controlled perfectly by my VNS implant, but I did have to take an emergency medication called Ativan, and lay down for an hour or so while the postictal (seizure hangover) subsided.
This is a small blow, but one I can handle. I started thinking about how others deal with a disrupted routine.
Imagine a man who walks his dog every night so he can have a cigarette to relax from the stress of the day, or a young woman who loves to wake up to jog while the morning air is still cool. If either of these routines are disrupted it could very well effect their mood, work performance, or overall sense of how they choose to use their time.
Even a routine of stress can cause a person to feel displaced if, all of the sudden, the stress is relieved for a period of time. There's a certain anxiety that comes with not knowing what kind of new stress is going to surface.
I guess that's where I am now; trying to bide my time while waiting for the next step to become clear.
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Short of It
I started a new job on a temp basis in Milwaukee about six weeks ago; it's a job with the potencial of a full-time position. I'm really loving it to say the least; I seem to fit right in.
Before today, the only problem I've had regarding the new job and my Epilepsy came a couple weeks ago where I had an episode and because my supervisor was "in the dark," she thought maybe I wasn't a team player when I left a little early (early being 5:30pm these days). I talked to HR and decided that she should know about my condition. I guess it gives me a little peace of mind to know that she's in the loop.
Today is the Monday after Easter weekend. Sara and I were able to stay in her Uncle's vacant condo while he and his wife were in Arizona. We both thought it would take some stress off our long, long weekend. Obviously, we were wrong.
Last night we both got back to the condo and wanted to go to bed around 8:45pm. That was fine, I knew I would need the rest for Monday. I seemed to sleep fine until around 5am because my CPAP was making my throat too dry. Knowing I would wake Sara up without it, I moved to the couch with a big headache.
After my alarm rang, I could barely move, but I thought it was because I was over-tired. I thought that drinking some cold water or tea at work would perk me up. Once I was ready and I started driving I became very emotional and started tearing up; I started talking to myself, as to say "Everything's fine, what's wrong with you?"
Once I arrived, I walked into our studio space feeling drained and on edge. It wasn't until then that I noticed that I had bit my tongue (a sign that I had a small seizure in the night), this realization sent me over the edge. I couldn't afford to have a seizure where I lost consciousness and lose my license and I couldn't afford to drug myself silly; what good was I then? The emotions rushed back and I asked my supervisor if I could leave. She asked what was the matter and I briefly explained what had happened. She said "go."
As soon as I left the building I burst out in tears and called Sara, who was still at the condo. I was near hysterical. She assured me that everything was fine, to calm down and to come back "home." I did.
I have a tendency to apologize after I have a seizure. I feel incredibly guilty. I felt as though I was abandoning my co-workers in the heat of a huge project. It was especially hurtful that they're still "in the dark," and could possibly make the same as assumptions my supervisor did weeks back.
There's no real lesson that I've learned from this one experience (yet), it's one of a million lessons I've had to learn in the last six or seven weeks. The answers won't become clear for months or even years from now.
I have just enough energy now to finish this sentence and that's good enough for me.
Before today, the only problem I've had regarding the new job and my Epilepsy came a couple weeks ago where I had an episode and because my supervisor was "in the dark," she thought maybe I wasn't a team player when I left a little early (early being 5:30pm these days). I talked to HR and decided that she should know about my condition. I guess it gives me a little peace of mind to know that she's in the loop.
Today is the Monday after Easter weekend. Sara and I were able to stay in her Uncle's vacant condo while he and his wife were in Arizona. We both thought it would take some stress off our long, long weekend. Obviously, we were wrong.
Last night we both got back to the condo and wanted to go to bed around 8:45pm. That was fine, I knew I would need the rest for Monday. I seemed to sleep fine until around 5am because my CPAP was making my throat too dry. Knowing I would wake Sara up without it, I moved to the couch with a big headache.
After my alarm rang, I could barely move, but I thought it was because I was over-tired. I thought that drinking some cold water or tea at work would perk me up. Once I was ready and I started driving I became very emotional and started tearing up; I started talking to myself, as to say "Everything's fine, what's wrong with you?"
Once I arrived, I walked into our studio space feeling drained and on edge. It wasn't until then that I noticed that I had bit my tongue (a sign that I had a small seizure in the night), this realization sent me over the edge. I couldn't afford to have a seizure where I lost consciousness and lose my license and I couldn't afford to drug myself silly; what good was I then? The emotions rushed back and I asked my supervisor if I could leave. She asked what was the matter and I briefly explained what had happened. She said "go."
As soon as I left the building I burst out in tears and called Sara, who was still at the condo. I was near hysterical. She assured me that everything was fine, to calm down and to come back "home." I did.
I have a tendency to apologize after I have a seizure. I feel incredibly guilty. I felt as though I was abandoning my co-workers in the heat of a huge project. It was especially hurtful that they're still "in the dark," and could possibly make the same as assumptions my supervisor did weeks back.
There's no real lesson that I've learned from this one experience (yet), it's one of a million lessons I've had to learn in the last six or seven weeks. The answers won't become clear for months or even years from now.
I have just enough energy now to finish this sentence and that's good enough for me.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Fiona
Last fall I met a little friend. We adopted a small gray kitten with a raccoon-striped tail. We named her Fiona. She had a small head with big bright eyes; I often compared her to an owl. I always wanted to stare into those eyes and wonder what was going on behind them.
Fiona could be compared to a peaceful island in the middle of our otherwise struggling lives. As soon as we saw her little face, the doubt, anger, and depth of our daily lives took a backseat to her need for our personal attention.
In late January, we began to notice small changes in her; we knew she was struggling. Without going into detail, I'll say that she seemed to age years with every day that passed. Every doctor and every medication couldn't help her life from slowly slipping away.
Last weekend we held her, kissed her and looked into those big bright eyes for the last time. By just looking at her you could tell that she was ready to go. Ready to go far too soon.
Sara and I hugged each other while gently holding our hands on Fiona's small head as the doctor allowed her to take her final breath. She didn't budge except for a twitch where the IV was inserted. I held Sara tighter while the doctor listened to her heart and reassured us that, "She's gone now."
In all of my life, I've never witnessed a loved one's passing. The concept of Fiona being with us one moment and gone the next keeps haunting me. She had a neurological virus, which still cuts me very deep. I lived through a brain virus and I'm still getting a handle on the following years of seizures and set-backs. No one gave up on me during this rigorous journey but I feel so much guilt for theoretically giving up when her brain was going through a similar struggle.
The last two times I fell in love was with my wife, Sara, and this little kitten who didn't get a chance to see her first birthday.
Fiona could be compared to a peaceful island in the middle of our otherwise struggling lives. As soon as we saw her little face, the doubt, anger, and depth of our daily lives took a backseat to her need for our personal attention.
In late January, we began to notice small changes in her; we knew she was struggling. Without going into detail, I'll say that she seemed to age years with every day that passed. Every doctor and every medication couldn't help her life from slowly slipping away.
Last weekend we held her, kissed her and looked into those big bright eyes for the last time. By just looking at her you could tell that she was ready to go. Ready to go far too soon.
Sara and I hugged each other while gently holding our hands on Fiona's small head as the doctor allowed her to take her final breath. She didn't budge except for a twitch where the IV was inserted. I held Sara tighter while the doctor listened to her heart and reassured us that, "She's gone now."
In all of my life, I've never witnessed a loved one's passing. The concept of Fiona being with us one moment and gone the next keeps haunting me. She had a neurological virus, which still cuts me very deep. I lived through a brain virus and I'm still getting a handle on the following years of seizures and set-backs. No one gave up on me during this rigorous journey but I feel so much guilt for theoretically giving up when her brain was going through a similar struggle.
The last two times I fell in love was with my wife, Sara, and this little kitten who didn't get a chance to see her first birthday.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Selflessness vs. Negligence
I'm gathering myself a bit for this post; the tone could waiver while I'm writing.
After having Epilepsy for almost four years, I can moderately judge what will bring on a seizure. The biggest cause is sleep deprivation; during my EEGs that was the only method we could use to cause me to seizure for testing purposes. Another cause is Caffeine; more than two regular sized cups of coffee and the percentage goes up that I'll at least feel small "tremors," which I've come to understand as a warning sign.
The most interesting cause of my seizures is change in routine. I sleep a lot more the average man and if I sleep too much or too little, basically any fluctuation in my day-to-day life is a risk. I do drink Caffeine in small doses because I think it pulls me up while all of my seizure meds and anti-depressants fade my concentration and cause my eyes to close.
After losing my job in December, my cycle has had it's ups and downs but I've weathered fairly well, plus my driver's license was reinstated, so that has been a huge key to my mental state.
The topic of this post is selflessness vs. negligence. Our kitten has been a huge support for us; we can just feel the warmth she provides to our small space. She's not even a year old and she's fallen very ill. We've been talking to the Vet and numerous other cat owners and they've all been very supportive. We're force feeding her and giving her water through a syringe every hour. To say the very least Sara and I are struggling.
Two nights ago I stayed up until 8am, watering her every hour. This is just insane; why would I risk having a massive seizure? I just can't look at her and see her little eyes begging for help. She hates being watered and fed with a syringe but it necessary – she just can't understand this.
What else can I say? Xanax is being taken like M&Ms lately.
After having Epilepsy for almost four years, I can moderately judge what will bring on a seizure. The biggest cause is sleep deprivation; during my EEGs that was the only method we could use to cause me to seizure for testing purposes. Another cause is Caffeine; more than two regular sized cups of coffee and the percentage goes up that I'll at least feel small "tremors," which I've come to understand as a warning sign.
The most interesting cause of my seizures is change in routine. I sleep a lot more the average man and if I sleep too much or too little, basically any fluctuation in my day-to-day life is a risk. I do drink Caffeine in small doses because I think it pulls me up while all of my seizure meds and anti-depressants fade my concentration and cause my eyes to close.
After losing my job in December, my cycle has had it's ups and downs but I've weathered fairly well, plus my driver's license was reinstated, so that has been a huge key to my mental state.
The topic of this post is selflessness vs. negligence. Our kitten has been a huge support for us; we can just feel the warmth she provides to our small space. She's not even a year old and she's fallen very ill. We've been talking to the Vet and numerous other cat owners and they've all been very supportive. We're force feeding her and giving her water through a syringe every hour. To say the very least Sara and I are struggling.
Two nights ago I stayed up until 8am, watering her every hour. This is just insane; why would I risk having a massive seizure? I just can't look at her and see her little eyes begging for help. She hates being watered and fed with a syringe but it necessary – she just can't understand this.
What else can I say? Xanax is being taken like M&Ms lately.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
2/3/12
Once I was back home I took several deeps breaths started going through old pictures from MIAD and my early times in Milwaukee. I came across a picture of my Senior Thesis design project; I designed sample posters and merchandise for a rock band close to me when I was in high school. This project is still the one for which I'm most proud. I designed it all using a super slow beige Mac G3; I would press the save button for a photoshop document and go to sleep late at night while the computer completed the "save." It was a great ol' machine.
For the project's posters, I used old images that my Mom had taken while the family was on vacation throughout the years; amazing photos of Seattle, JFK Space Center, South Carolina. Needless to say I put a lot of myself into the project, something I'm still guilty of today.
Along with posters, stickers, logos and cd covers, I designed sewn patches with the band logo; these were for applying to hats, backpacks, clothing and anything else the consumer saw fit. I needed to find a sewing shop in Milwaukee that could provide a dozen white iron-on patches with a sewn black border. I didn't have the money for them to sew the band logo on the patch so I did a inkjet printed iron-on transfer of the logo using paper I bought from a craft store; after all this was a sample.
I found a sewing store in Milwaukee and hitched a ride with a friend to their shop. While I was trying to sketch out the type of threading I wanted on my patch, the manager came to the counter with a handful of sample patches for me to look at – one of them being a Nazi SS patch. Did he not know what the symbol stood for? Was he trying to send me a message? I stayed while his people sewed the patches I ordered, I paid and left in shock.
Why didn't I ditch the store, asap? I certainly wasn't afraid of a symbol on a patch presented to me by a dirty old sewing shop owner. I've seen a lot of things more disgusting in my life but not as "up close and personal" as the this SS patch.
When I was looking through my thesis photos and old design files I kept coming back to this one experience. Up until last week I hadn't been in Milwaukee by myself in nearly a decade, and the lonely walk through the school and Third Ward must've put me in a penitent mood.
I'm so regretful that I purchased a piece of the most important and personal project in my life from an ignorant bigot. This'll be the last time I speak of this experience unsolicited, it's time to let it go. I just want to look at my thesis and see me, my friends and family – everything and everyone that got through those tough years.
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