Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Sparrow
I killed a sparrow yesterday. I noticed, through my windshield, up ahead was a small bird in the road flapping it's wings while another bird was hovering nearby. I slowed down as to give it time to fly from the street, not thinking it could be injured. As I approached, I lost sight of it in front of me, but as I continued I looked in my rear view to be sure it got away. Instead I saw it still lying in the road only now it's wings had stopped flapping.
You see many animals along the road presumably hit by passing cars, but I cannot remember in all my time behind the wheel having this happen to me.
Later that day, while I was at the office of my new freelance job I had a particularly long seizure. I didn't lose consciousness; I thank my VNS for doing it's job. I left early amongst the piles of work that needed to be done.
In the last three weeks I've had over twelve seizures ranging from small (5-10 seconds) to rather lengthy (10-30 seconds). They all are followed by a postictal period (seizure hangover); depending on the intensity of the seizure, some are painful and some are more tolerable, but they all are incapacitating in one way or another. My concentration, speech and memory are all effected.
I started a new business for my freelance work; the business name is basically a no-brainer for me... Smith J. Ryan Creative. See, all my life I've had to fight for my name. I've been pulled into the principle's office and scolded until a secretary barged in to tell him that he's got the wrong Jeremy Smith; I got a free pencil out of that ordeal. I had the "bad" Jeremy Smith's grades sent to my house and shared a locker with him because the school's office still couldn't figure out that there were two students with the same name in the school.
--
Next Monday I have another EEG scheduled due to the amount of activity I've been experiencing. When I had my interview for the new freelance position I thought I could schedule my first day after the tests so I could get some information and maybe have time to "even out." The company is very busy and needed me right away but I've only been able to help them a minimal amount; frustrating for them I'm sure.
I go back to this subject a lot, but I can't help but have extreme empathy for those with mental disorders, especially those that seem healthy on the outside, to strangers, co-workers, friends, but need special accommodations to live their daily lives. See, it's easy to spot a physical disability (by no means am I saying it's easier to live) but when you tell someone that you have Epilepsy they're nervous around you at first but if they don't see a seizure and they see what looks like a healthy individual, it's hard to tell someone that when you're having a problem you won't be at work, or you can make it to an event... the list goes on.
It's like every year gets harder. We have no money and it's straining our household. I'm trying to apply for disability next week; my phone interview is an hour before I am to be admitted to the hospital which is kind of odd. I'm just very nervous and alone; I get advice but it's all very generic at this point.
My hands are tied and I feel like the sparrow who's flapping his wings but unable to fly away to safety.
You see many animals along the road presumably hit by passing cars, but I cannot remember in all my time behind the wheel having this happen to me.
Later that day, while I was at the office of my new freelance job I had a particularly long seizure. I didn't lose consciousness; I thank my VNS for doing it's job. I left early amongst the piles of work that needed to be done.
In the last three weeks I've had over twelve seizures ranging from small (5-10 seconds) to rather lengthy (10-30 seconds). They all are followed by a postictal period (seizure hangover); depending on the intensity of the seizure, some are painful and some are more tolerable, but they all are incapacitating in one way or another. My concentration, speech and memory are all effected.
I started a new business for my freelance work; the business name is basically a no-brainer for me... Smith J. Ryan Creative. See, all my life I've had to fight for my name. I've been pulled into the principle's office and scolded until a secretary barged in to tell him that he's got the wrong Jeremy Smith; I got a free pencil out of that ordeal. I had the "bad" Jeremy Smith's grades sent to my house and shared a locker with him because the school's office still couldn't figure out that there were two students with the same name in the school.
--
Next Monday I have another EEG scheduled due to the amount of activity I've been experiencing. When I had my interview for the new freelance position I thought I could schedule my first day after the tests so I could get some information and maybe have time to "even out." The company is very busy and needed me right away but I've only been able to help them a minimal amount; frustrating for them I'm sure.
I go back to this subject a lot, but I can't help but have extreme empathy for those with mental disorders, especially those that seem healthy on the outside, to strangers, co-workers, friends, but need special accommodations to live their daily lives. See, it's easy to spot a physical disability (by no means am I saying it's easier to live) but when you tell someone that you have Epilepsy they're nervous around you at first but if they don't see a seizure and they see what looks like a healthy individual, it's hard to tell someone that when you're having a problem you won't be at work, or you can make it to an event... the list goes on.
It's like every year gets harder. We have no money and it's straining our household. I'm trying to apply for disability next week; my phone interview is an hour before I am to be admitted to the hospital which is kind of odd. I'm just very nervous and alone; I get advice but it's all very generic at this point.
My hands are tied and I feel like the sparrow who's flapping his wings but unable to fly away to safety.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
The Art of Celebration
It seems that in our household we celebrate small victories and huge losses. I was tapped out of the running for a job that I was very much interested in; so, as a tradition (I guess) we watched a couple of great movies and drank some wine.
Our goal is to move back to Milwaukee to be closer to family, but it may take longer than we expect given today's news. I'm not upset, I'm actually in a penitent stage where I can look back and as a result get a glimpse of my future.
---
I've been visiting the south side of Chicago a couple days a week and I've never noticed life in such a way as this. Imagine driving on a four lane road and witnessing an argument between a pregnant woman and her boyfriend and then a mile down the road seeing a woman covering her head with a cloth while grieving a loved one in a cemetery. All of this is happening while 1,000 semi trucks race for position on the road on the way to the highway. Up above, commercial jets aim to land at Midway Airport, roaring their engines louder than the fleet of semi's below.
As I'm witnessing these things, I also realize that this is what I've taken for granted during the entirety my recent life....... LIFE!
Our goal is to move back to Milwaukee to be closer to family, but it may take longer than we expect given today's news. I'm not upset, I'm actually in a penitent stage where I can look back and as a result get a glimpse of my future.
---
I've been visiting the south side of Chicago a couple days a week and I've never noticed life in such a way as this. Imagine driving on a four lane road and witnessing an argument between a pregnant woman and her boyfriend and then a mile down the road seeing a woman covering her head with a cloth while grieving a loved one in a cemetery. All of this is happening while 1,000 semi trucks race for position on the road on the way to the highway. Up above, commercial jets aim to land at Midway Airport, roaring their engines louder than the fleet of semi's below.
As I'm witnessing these things, I also realize that this is what I've taken for granted during the entirety my recent life....... LIFE!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Addiction
I've always said to myself that I never knew what addition felt like. I didn't understand how people couldn't stop smoking or drinking or shopping, etc. I'm making a sort of "life style change," and when I look back at how I lived (keep in mind it's only been a couple weeks), I realized that I have a sudo-addictive personality.
Of course, I'm on medication that would take some weening off if I didn't need it anymore, but now I'm looking at other aspects of my life and I've seen a lot of other trivial things that I am or would have a hard time quitting.
I use food, alcohol, sometimes pain medication and shopping to ease anxiety and depression. It's very hard for me to admit this, but I think it's time to explore this aspect of my personality.
By no means am I weighted down by addition but I definitely justify my actions. "I need a drink because I had a hard day," "Let's go out to eat tonight to celebrate," "I can't sleep, I'll just take a Vicodin."
Once I started to ween myself off of the excuses I've been making, I realized that it's so easy to say yes rather than no to my comforts. I'm just starting this process so I'll update this blog over time, but I am willing to admit that it's harder than I thought to find new, more healthy ways to keep my mind from thinking.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Routine
I've been surrounded by the word "Routine." While in Milwaukee for several weeks I learned that those around me were able to stick very closely to a schedule, sometimes very strict. After a week or so, my own routine was formed and I was able to abide by times, places, food, stress and relaxation. I made sure to wake up and get to bed alone without Sara's guidance (big step, actually).
After my "temp" stay in Milwaukee ended last week, it was a shock to my system or "routine." I've come to understand that, with Epilepsy, I have to ease into and out of things slowly as to not upset my body's equilibrium. When I returned home to await my temp-to-hire status, I again applied for unemployment and was, again, at home during the days. Basically, giving my body a shock from a very regimented schedule to a loose set of tasks that were set throughout the week.
I did visit friends and helped one of them move to a new place, but the stress level was low and I was doing far more physical activity than I would normally do in a week's time. This shocked my system and I've had three Aura's (a warning sign that I'm about to have a seizure) since I've been home. They were ALL controlled perfectly by my VNS implant, but I did have to take an emergency medication called Ativan, and lay down for an hour or so while the postictal (seizure hangover) subsided.
This is a small blow, but one I can handle. I started thinking about how others deal with a disrupted routine.
Imagine a man who walks his dog every night so he can have a cigarette to relax from the stress of the day, or a young woman who loves to wake up to jog while the morning air is still cool. If either of these routines are disrupted it could very well effect their mood, work performance, or overall sense of how they choose to use their time.
Even a routine of stress can cause a person to feel displaced if, all of the sudden, the stress is relieved for a period of time. There's a certain anxiety that comes with not knowing what kind of new stress is going to surface.
I guess that's where I am now; trying to bide my time while waiting for the next step to become clear.
After my "temp" stay in Milwaukee ended last week, it was a shock to my system or "routine." I've come to understand that, with Epilepsy, I have to ease into and out of things slowly as to not upset my body's equilibrium. When I returned home to await my temp-to-hire status, I again applied for unemployment and was, again, at home during the days. Basically, giving my body a shock from a very regimented schedule to a loose set of tasks that were set throughout the week.
I did visit friends and helped one of them move to a new place, but the stress level was low and I was doing far more physical activity than I would normally do in a week's time. This shocked my system and I've had three Aura's (a warning sign that I'm about to have a seizure) since I've been home. They were ALL controlled perfectly by my VNS implant, but I did have to take an emergency medication called Ativan, and lay down for an hour or so while the postictal (seizure hangover) subsided.
This is a small blow, but one I can handle. I started thinking about how others deal with a disrupted routine.
Imagine a man who walks his dog every night so he can have a cigarette to relax from the stress of the day, or a young woman who loves to wake up to jog while the morning air is still cool. If either of these routines are disrupted it could very well effect their mood, work performance, or overall sense of how they choose to use their time.
Even a routine of stress can cause a person to feel displaced if, all of the sudden, the stress is relieved for a period of time. There's a certain anxiety that comes with not knowing what kind of new stress is going to surface.
I guess that's where I am now; trying to bide my time while waiting for the next step to become clear.
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Short of It
I started a new job on a temp basis in Milwaukee about six weeks ago; it's a job with the potencial of a full-time position. I'm really loving it to say the least; I seem to fit right in.
Before today, the only problem I've had regarding the new job and my Epilepsy came a couple weeks ago where I had an episode and because my supervisor was "in the dark," she thought maybe I wasn't a team player when I left a little early (early being 5:30pm these days). I talked to HR and decided that she should know about my condition. I guess it gives me a little peace of mind to know that she's in the loop.
Today is the Monday after Easter weekend. Sara and I were able to stay in her Uncle's vacant condo while he and his wife were in Arizona. We both thought it would take some stress off our long, long weekend. Obviously, we were wrong.
Last night we both got back to the condo and wanted to go to bed around 8:45pm. That was fine, I knew I would need the rest for Monday. I seemed to sleep fine until around 5am because my CPAP was making my throat too dry. Knowing I would wake Sara up without it, I moved to the couch with a big headache.
After my alarm rang, I could barely move, but I thought it was because I was over-tired. I thought that drinking some cold water or tea at work would perk me up. Once I was ready and I started driving I became very emotional and started tearing up; I started talking to myself, as to say "Everything's fine, what's wrong with you?"
Once I arrived, I walked into our studio space feeling drained and on edge. It wasn't until then that I noticed that I had bit my tongue (a sign that I had a small seizure in the night), this realization sent me over the edge. I couldn't afford to have a seizure where I lost consciousness and lose my license and I couldn't afford to drug myself silly; what good was I then? The emotions rushed back and I asked my supervisor if I could leave. She asked what was the matter and I briefly explained what had happened. She said "go."
As soon as I left the building I burst out in tears and called Sara, who was still at the condo. I was near hysterical. She assured me that everything was fine, to calm down and to come back "home." I did.
I have a tendency to apologize after I have a seizure. I feel incredibly guilty. I felt as though I was abandoning my co-workers in the heat of a huge project. It was especially hurtful that they're still "in the dark," and could possibly make the same as assumptions my supervisor did weeks back.
There's no real lesson that I've learned from this one experience (yet), it's one of a million lessons I've had to learn in the last six or seven weeks. The answers won't become clear for months or even years from now.
I have just enough energy now to finish this sentence and that's good enough for me.
Before today, the only problem I've had regarding the new job and my Epilepsy came a couple weeks ago where I had an episode and because my supervisor was "in the dark," she thought maybe I wasn't a team player when I left a little early (early being 5:30pm these days). I talked to HR and decided that she should know about my condition. I guess it gives me a little peace of mind to know that she's in the loop.
Today is the Monday after Easter weekend. Sara and I were able to stay in her Uncle's vacant condo while he and his wife were in Arizona. We both thought it would take some stress off our long, long weekend. Obviously, we were wrong.
Last night we both got back to the condo and wanted to go to bed around 8:45pm. That was fine, I knew I would need the rest for Monday. I seemed to sleep fine until around 5am because my CPAP was making my throat too dry. Knowing I would wake Sara up without it, I moved to the couch with a big headache.
After my alarm rang, I could barely move, but I thought it was because I was over-tired. I thought that drinking some cold water or tea at work would perk me up. Once I was ready and I started driving I became very emotional and started tearing up; I started talking to myself, as to say "Everything's fine, what's wrong with you?"
Once I arrived, I walked into our studio space feeling drained and on edge. It wasn't until then that I noticed that I had bit my tongue (a sign that I had a small seizure in the night), this realization sent me over the edge. I couldn't afford to have a seizure where I lost consciousness and lose my license and I couldn't afford to drug myself silly; what good was I then? The emotions rushed back and I asked my supervisor if I could leave. She asked what was the matter and I briefly explained what had happened. She said "go."
As soon as I left the building I burst out in tears and called Sara, who was still at the condo. I was near hysterical. She assured me that everything was fine, to calm down and to come back "home." I did.
I have a tendency to apologize after I have a seizure. I feel incredibly guilty. I felt as though I was abandoning my co-workers in the heat of a huge project. It was especially hurtful that they're still "in the dark," and could possibly make the same as assumptions my supervisor did weeks back.
There's no real lesson that I've learned from this one experience (yet), it's one of a million lessons I've had to learn in the last six or seven weeks. The answers won't become clear for months or even years from now.
I have just enough energy now to finish this sentence and that's good enough for me.
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