Friday, January 10, 2014

The Circle of Struggle

I'd like to write a post that leans toward the positive aspects of my life. I've been thinking a lot about writing, and reading the posts I've been working on. It's come to light that my depression, and anxiety make their way through my hands, and I seem to type words that aren't necessarily inspirational.

I've been thinking a lot about me as an adult living with a disability. What can I do inspire people instead of reflect the horrors of someone who has to live everyday with the fear of having a seizure?

I probably will never be any kind of motivational speaker, but what I can do is write a post that helps my readers better understand what it's like to smile even on days where there should be no reason to smile.

I love to laugh; I live to laugh. Even watching movies that are considered dramas tend to negate my attention. Anyone who knows me will tell you that rarely do I show signs of the struggle that's going on inside. Maybe that's why it's very important for me to write about these struggles.

Everyone has some kind of struggle going on inside them. Whether it be money, relationships, work, etc., people need to be able to properly expel these emotions in a proper way. It took me a long time after contracting Epilepsy to start this blog, and start seeing a therapist. The blog was my idea, but I started therapy with the help of my wife and family.

I'm not saying that everyone needs a therapist, but everyone needs some sort of outlet that is unrelated to those who are sharing your struggle, like a spouse for instance. It's hard for me to talk to Sara or my family about my emotional problems because I know that they feel similar feelings, and are writing the same exact story.

My Mom, my Dad, my wife, my extended family, and my friends have all seen what it's like for me to sit in the hospital. They've seen my seizures, they've seen me cut myself, they've seen me descend from a man, to a patient. I've scared the shit out of them; they know the layout of every single hospital, and have sat in hospital rooms just as long as me. They have fought for me, argued with doctors, nurses and even the police for my well-being. They need an outlet for their frustration just as much as me.

All I can say now is that if a person finds themselves fighting for their life, there are dozens, hell, maybe even hundreds of people that share their struggle.


A lot of my posts are geared toward communication to my friends and family. It's hard for me to communicate verbally how I feel, and so I write in order to let them know what's going on in my head.

The number one rule for this blog is I'm allowed to have complete creative control with no restrictions. I can write about anything I want without judgement; this has helped me greatly. I always write when I'm alone, either Sara is sleeping, off to work, or otherwise out. I find that this gives me the opportunity to really think about my posts; this is also true for the other creative aspects of my life. I've found it easier, and I'm more creatively productive when I don't have anyone "watching over my shoulder."

There have been a couple of design jobs that I've had, where I didn't have my own office or other isolated workspace. I felt like I couldn't stretch out and really be myself, I would long for the days where I was able to work late and have the office to myself, or be surrounded with people that had the same creative habits. By that, I mean they couldn't properly make good work with a crowded workspace.

Even as a photojournalist, being surrounded by hundreds of people at events and such, I was able to weave in and out of people somewhat anonmously. I worked in a way where I knew no one was watching me; that's also the way I knew I would get the best shots.

Having time alone is essential. Being able to but a period at the end of a sentence that is completely my own is the only way to truly thrive as an artist.

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