On the topic of seizures, I had two last Friday. One small and one larger one where I didn't convulse but I did lose memory and couldn't understand words or communicate very well. This is disappointing seeing as though it was a month since my last seizure and we're upping the VNS, etc. Caffeine plays a big part I've noticed. I'm cutting way back, after all caffeine speeds my brain up and I need to slow it down; it's common sense that I'm just not heeding.
Yesterday I had a job interview. I would be lying if I said that the employment issue wasn't pressing. On the way home I just looked out the window and asked myself what the whole experience meant. Obviously, I was a bit disappointed with what I saw at the potential new company. Why did I take a valuable half day, with Sara sick, to travel? I felt confident and I spoke well (in my opinion); I did have a few moments where it took a second for words to come out when I tried to highlight a specific topic, like remembering terms, names, etc.
I tell interviewers that I'm looking for a "new challenge;" it's the truth but the word "challenge" has several layers for me. It would be nice to meet new people and hear new voices and talk about different subjects. How would I fare working with these people; where would I fall in the social network of a new organization?
In college, my ability to socialize had its ups and downs. As an RA in the residence hall I was very social and responsible, but at my internship at BVK, a big influential ad agency, I was small and overwhelmed. It was the same in school; I was relatively quiet and guarded in class. I would speak up in critique a couple times a week, but honestly I wasn't happy with the people in my class. I felt at times that they were putting on a show, using words and making hand gestures to make themselves seem like they were at a higher artistic level than the rest of us. Many times I was so frustrated that I would skip out of class at break and make my way back to the dorms to quietly sit in my chair and stare out of the window. I was probably thinking the same thoughts as last night after the interview.
I have always over-thought and taken life too serious; a good way to put it would be that I take life personal. Yeah. I'm going to coin a phrase; "Don't take life personal." I worked at an intellectual property law firm one summer, maybe I should call them and trademark that sucker.
Another piece of common sense I'm not heeding.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
The New Year
Today I'm visiting NW again to have the VNS turned up. It seems to be working how it should. I've had two strong seizures since my last doctor visit but I was able to control them with the VNS and the magnate. I've been keeping track of the "when/where/intensity" with my phone; something I wasn't doing in the past but should have been.
My New Year's resolution is really so big and complicated that I wouldn't call it a resolution at all. My job is to pick away at the things that I do have control over.
Sara and I were watching a documentary about WWII; basically the reconstruction. Cities and homes were completely destroyed. Amongst all the rubble, people formed lines and started pulling out one brick at a time to set them in a nice, neat pile. They found chairs and furniture, turned them right-side up and found an area for them. The people looked miserable, and the narrator said that reconstruction didn't end until the 1980's.
I'd like to do the same thing. Start at a point and work with what I have to make things better; even if it takes longer than expected. Every other time I've tried this method I was met strongly by adversity. The thing that I have to understand is adversity is the definition of any disorder or disease.
When I got out of college I had an idea of where my life was headed and what I wanted to do. I was looking straight forward, but several months ran into years and the path began to curve and sway. I was distraught but willing to work through the doors that were open to me. Since being sick, that path has taken a complete right angle and I haven't yet come to terms that the path that I'm standing on isn't the path I dreamt about.
The one thing I could never expect is that someone else would be sharing my path's turns and dips. Sara is a person I need. She's the part of my brain that remembers and continually reminds me for what I should be grateful. Sara's the energy that keeps my going when mine seems to have run out. She has eyes that do not look away from my body's scars and discrepancies; a body for which I'm sorely self-conscious. Sara has hands that will grasp mine to walk me through difficult steps; literally, at times. She married this man, a man that hasn't held himself in high regard in a long time. Apparently, there's something she sees in me that I have yet to discover.
My New Year's resolution is really so big and complicated that I wouldn't call it a resolution at all. My job is to pick away at the things that I do have control over.
Sara and I were watching a documentary about WWII; basically the reconstruction. Cities and homes were completely destroyed. Amongst all the rubble, people formed lines and started pulling out one brick at a time to set them in a nice, neat pile. They found chairs and furniture, turned them right-side up and found an area for them. The people looked miserable, and the narrator said that reconstruction didn't end until the 1980's.
I'd like to do the same thing. Start at a point and work with what I have to make things better; even if it takes longer than expected. Every other time I've tried this method I was met strongly by adversity. The thing that I have to understand is adversity is the definition of any disorder or disease.
When I got out of college I had an idea of where my life was headed and what I wanted to do. I was looking straight forward, but several months ran into years and the path began to curve and sway. I was distraught but willing to work through the doors that were open to me. Since being sick, that path has taken a complete right angle and I haven't yet come to terms that the path that I'm standing on isn't the path I dreamt about.
The one thing I could never expect is that someone else would be sharing my path's turns and dips. Sara is a person I need. She's the part of my brain that remembers and continually reminds me for what I should be grateful. Sara's the energy that keeps my going when mine seems to have run out. She has eyes that do not look away from my body's scars and discrepancies; a body for which I'm sorely self-conscious. Sara has hands that will grasp mine to walk me through difficult steps; literally, at times. She married this man, a man that hasn't held himself in high regard in a long time. Apparently, there's something she sees in me that I have yet to discover.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Holiday
Well, I can be proud that this is the first Christmas in two years that I haven't had a seizure. I shouldn't jinx it because I haven't celebrated with my side of the family yet! Every other year I would wake up to Sara over me, asking me questions and breaking the news that I just had a seizure. I've noticed, or rather came to the conclusion that the seizures are stress induced. Sometimes being away from home and having so many people to visit builds stress and well, is obviously hard on my brain. Not just my brain I can assure you. We all have our reasons for being stressed out on holidays.
This Christmas was different. We stayed in the same bed and breakfast as last year (it's our hotel of choice while in Milwaukee). We use the hotel as a "home base" where we can escape once our visiting comes to an end. We can have a few drinks at the bar downstairs, then go to our room to put on our pajamas and watch "24 hours of A Christmas Story" on TBS. I felt ok but I had absolutely no energy, kind of grumpy to be honest. I fell asleep and didn't dream.
The next day, during Christmas my heart was pounding so hard I could feel the blood flowing through my veins. I thought it was just the VNS, but it was constant... just like pure concentrated stress. There was really nothing to be stressed about, just a lot of people in one warm house with too much movement and fluorescent light. Once outside, the cold, soft air hit me and I was never so happy to see my breath steam from my lungs.
Nothing was open so dinner was hard to find. We ended up finding a Chinese restaurant being open (funny). We ate and drank a little rum, thinking it would help us reset but all it did was knock me out... another night without dreaming.
Sunday was hell. You know the feeling when you're coming to the end of a vacation and you start to miss home? That's where I was. We had one more stop at Sara's uncle's house and again, my heart started pounding. I thought standing up, kind of out of the way would calm me down but I felt a little numbness in my right hand, so I swiped the magnate just in case it was a precursor to a seizure or a heart attack!
My boss, Joe said I'm a very anxious person when I skimmed the story to him. I agree that I brought most of these feeling on myself. All my medications are sedatives, basically. They're there to calm my brain so you'd think they'd be able to calm me. There's a lot to be anxious about, in my defense. At work we get reminded about how bad business is on a semi-daily basis. I think about how I'm going to make the next step while keeping my balance.
Balance. That word is kind of an answer to all of my questions. Growing up my Dad always told me that life is about balance. Too much of anything can be bad. It's hard to focus on these words when my will to balance is nonexistent. I started drinking, again. It feels good to really laugh and, this is going to sound funny, but after a few drinks I'm able to put things into perspective. I'll look away, down to the floor and almost pray. I'm unafraid.
On Sunday night I dreamt vividly. I wrote down what I thought after waking up. You may not understand these but this is what I wrote: "Respect photography, nurture writing," "There are many steps that have to be taken to reach goals, even if those goals haven't yet become clear," "Thank you for tomorrows," "Look close... closer... there's a lot of reality in dreams. Possess the ability to find a message, it's in there."
The one about goals is pretty confusing but I think it has a lot in common with my life in Chicago and what had to happen for me to get here. Things just fell into place, both good and bad. I'm trying to work with what I have and my goals are a reflection of this. For the rest of my life things will just fall into place and my goal is to be sure there's more good than bad.
This Christmas was different. We stayed in the same bed and breakfast as last year (it's our hotel of choice while in Milwaukee). We use the hotel as a "home base" where we can escape once our visiting comes to an end. We can have a few drinks at the bar downstairs, then go to our room to put on our pajamas and watch "24 hours of A Christmas Story" on TBS. I felt ok but I had absolutely no energy, kind of grumpy to be honest. I fell asleep and didn't dream.
The next day, during Christmas my heart was pounding so hard I could feel the blood flowing through my veins. I thought it was just the VNS, but it was constant... just like pure concentrated stress. There was really nothing to be stressed about, just a lot of people in one warm house with too much movement and fluorescent light. Once outside, the cold, soft air hit me and I was never so happy to see my breath steam from my lungs.
Nothing was open so dinner was hard to find. We ended up finding a Chinese restaurant being open (funny). We ate and drank a little rum, thinking it would help us reset but all it did was knock me out... another night without dreaming.
Sunday was hell. You know the feeling when you're coming to the end of a vacation and you start to miss home? That's where I was. We had one more stop at Sara's uncle's house and again, my heart started pounding. I thought standing up, kind of out of the way would calm me down but I felt a little numbness in my right hand, so I swiped the magnate just in case it was a precursor to a seizure or a heart attack!
My boss, Joe said I'm a very anxious person when I skimmed the story to him. I agree that I brought most of these feeling on myself. All my medications are sedatives, basically. They're there to calm my brain so you'd think they'd be able to calm me. There's a lot to be anxious about, in my defense. At work we get reminded about how bad business is on a semi-daily basis. I think about how I'm going to make the next step while keeping my balance.
Balance. That word is kind of an answer to all of my questions. Growing up my Dad always told me that life is about balance. Too much of anything can be bad. It's hard to focus on these words when my will to balance is nonexistent. I started drinking, again. It feels good to really laugh and, this is going to sound funny, but after a few drinks I'm able to put things into perspective. I'll look away, down to the floor and almost pray. I'm unafraid.
On Sunday night I dreamt vividly. I wrote down what I thought after waking up. You may not understand these but this is what I wrote: "Respect photography, nurture writing," "There are many steps that have to be taken to reach goals, even if those goals haven't yet become clear," "Thank you for tomorrows," "Look close... closer... there's a lot of reality in dreams. Possess the ability to find a message, it's in there."
The one about goals is pretty confusing but I think it has a lot in common with my life in Chicago and what had to happen for me to get here. Things just fell into place, both good and bad. I'm trying to work with what I have and my goals are a reflection of this. For the rest of my life things will just fall into place and my goal is to be sure there's more good than bad.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
New Opportunities
I've been talking to my sister about her experiences working in a hospital and it's really got me thinking about finding a part time job or volunteer position at the Elmhurst hospital just down the street. My sister, Jenni shared some interesting stories about her interactions with patients and although I probably wouldn't interact with patients like she does, I'd like to give back as much as I can.
I sit behind a desk all day and really have no interaction with new people. Volunteering might help me as much I'm able to help the hospital and ultimately... the patients.
I know there are a lot of stories out there and I'd really like to be a positive part of those stories.
I sit behind a desk all day and really have no interaction with new people. Volunteering might help me as much I'm able to help the hospital and ultimately... the patients.
I know there are a lot of stories out there and I'd really like to be a positive part of those stories.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Family
Only recently have I been exposed to my family's history. Events and perspectives that I would've never been able to comprehend until now. Still, at this very moment I struggle to take in what paths had to have been taken for me to be who I am and where I am today.
(I just had a seizure, I'm pretty sure the magnate worked to lessen the outcome. My whole right side went numb again.)
My Dad is a very touchy subject for me. I know he has been through a lot in his lifetime... The Vietnam War and helicopter crash, Beloit Police Department, terrible car accident for which he was read his "last rights," in the hospital but somehow recovered. He then got a new job and traveled around the world, missing out on parts of his children's childhood, something I know he thinks about. He has also been battling Diabetes for the last five years. He's a weathered man, a very strong man, a solid rock for which I respect down to the deepest depths.
He visited on Tuesday to take me out to lunch. We had good conversation while eating... typical Father/Son types of subjects. When we got back to my office I started asking him about how the family was doing... asking about his brothers, sister, my cousins. I talked about the war museum that Sara and I visited and fished for a little insight from him on the subject. After he left I felt worn down and generally upset. Like I said, my Dad is a touchy subject. To talk to him one on one, without the rest of the family around is a rare occasion and for some reason (that I don't understand) I feel like I'm not handling strife the way he's handled it in his turbulent life.
He's been around the world, seen bullets fly and has been mangled badly in his life, but he has a genuine smile every time I see him. He always tells me that the seizures are temporary and this experience will make me stronger... his tone is like that of a Father talking to his Son... empathetic and concerned. I don't want to let him down. I'm a Son who wants to be just like his Dad... strong, capable, independent and loving.
(I just had a seizure, I'm pretty sure the magnate worked to lessen the outcome. My whole right side went numb again.)
My Dad is a very touchy subject for me. I know he has been through a lot in his lifetime... The Vietnam War and helicopter crash, Beloit Police Department, terrible car accident for which he was read his "last rights," in the hospital but somehow recovered. He then got a new job and traveled around the world, missing out on parts of his children's childhood, something I know he thinks about. He has also been battling Diabetes for the last five years. He's a weathered man, a very strong man, a solid rock for which I respect down to the deepest depths.
He visited on Tuesday to take me out to lunch. We had good conversation while eating... typical Father/Son types of subjects. When we got back to my office I started asking him about how the family was doing... asking about his brothers, sister, my cousins. I talked about the war museum that Sara and I visited and fished for a little insight from him on the subject. After he left I felt worn down and generally upset. Like I said, my Dad is a touchy subject. To talk to him one on one, without the rest of the family around is a rare occasion and for some reason (that I don't understand) I feel like I'm not handling strife the way he's handled it in his turbulent life.
He's been around the world, seen bullets fly and has been mangled badly in his life, but he has a genuine smile every time I see him. He always tells me that the seizures are temporary and this experience will make me stronger... his tone is like that of a Father talking to his Son... empathetic and concerned. I don't want to let him down. I'm a Son who wants to be just like his Dad... strong, capable, independent and loving.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Dreams
I'm going to jinx myself by writing this post but I've been feeling ok as of late. No new seizures to report. My voice is still very raspy every 11 seconds for 7 seconds, I'm still getting used to it. By the end of the day frustration piles up because the vocal chords are getting tired and my voice gets more and more hoarse.
On the personal side of things, there's no news to report. I've written it all before and I'm tired of reiterating.
I've been waking up with really good dreams for the last couple weeks. A lot of detail and I remember them very vividly when I wake up. The problem is waking up. I say to myself, as I start to blink my eyes for the first couple times in the morning that I wish I could never wake up from dreams. They've been positive and engaging, almost adventurous. I see old friends, make new ones and discover new places. I'm strong, confident and curious. Not once during these dreams did I think about my body, been self-conscious about my voice or my inabilities.
It's astounding. The same brain that's been holding me down the last couple years is the same brain that allows me to travel beyond all imagination when I'm asleep. The same brain that rives me with pain during a seizure is the same one that comforts me and makes me smile while my eyes are closed. The same brain that whispers thoughts of harming myself during the day is the same brain that fills me full of life in the night.
On the personal side of things, there's no news to report. I've written it all before and I'm tired of reiterating.
I've been waking up with really good dreams for the last couple weeks. A lot of detail and I remember them very vividly when I wake up. The problem is waking up. I say to myself, as I start to blink my eyes for the first couple times in the morning that I wish I could never wake up from dreams. They've been positive and engaging, almost adventurous. I see old friends, make new ones and discover new places. I'm strong, confident and curious. Not once during these dreams did I think about my body, been self-conscious about my voice or my inabilities.
It's astounding. The same brain that's been holding me down the last couple years is the same brain that allows me to travel beyond all imagination when I'm asleep. The same brain that rives me with pain during a seizure is the same one that comforts me and makes me smile while my eyes are closed. The same brain that whispers thoughts of harming myself during the day is the same brain that fills me full of life in the night.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Raspy Voice
On Monday Dr. Macken and his Fellow Dr. Ericson increased my VNS amperage. It's now on for 7 seconds and off for 11. The magnate was also increased. Because of the increase my voice gets very raspy while the device is on. I actually like this because now I can tell that the VNS is on and working. Before Monday, the amperage was set so low that I could barely feel when it was on and when I swiped the magnate during a seizure it took me four attempts before it helped stop the seizure.
I had, what was going to be a small seizure last night before bed. Sara and I woke up very early yesterday so she could be to work for a morning meeting. Usually when I have a long day like this, I'm bound to have a little problem. When I felt it coming on, I swiped the magnate and it stopped the seizure immediately. I had no postictal feeling, nothing... I just went to bed. Nice.
One bad thing is now that my voice is so raspy every 11 seconds, people have been giving me funny looks when I'm placing an order at a restaurant or anything like that. I think it's funny, but I know what they're thinking... "Get me away from this sick bastard!" It kind of does sound like I have a throat cold or something. Sara and the guys at work are still getting used to it, well so am I. To hear me start a sentence with my normal voice and have it switch over to a 70-year-old smoker voice raises eyebrows.
Overall, I've been feeling ok. Let's just keep it at that for now.
I had, what was going to be a small seizure last night before bed. Sara and I woke up very early yesterday so she could be to work for a morning meeting. Usually when I have a long day like this, I'm bound to have a little problem. When I felt it coming on, I swiped the magnate and it stopped the seizure immediately. I had no postictal feeling, nothing... I just went to bed. Nice.
One bad thing is now that my voice is so raspy every 11 seconds, people have been giving me funny looks when I'm placing an order at a restaurant or anything like that. I think it's funny, but I know what they're thinking... "Get me away from this sick bastard!" It kind of does sound like I have a throat cold or something. Sara and the guys at work are still getting used to it, well so am I. To hear me start a sentence with my normal voice and have it switch over to a 70-year-old smoker voice raises eyebrows.
Overall, I've been feeling ok. Let's just keep it at that for now.
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